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| the wheels on the bus... |
| 06.11.04 (12:37 pm) [edit] |
Oh what an interesting past few days. Oh the drama of Upward Bound. We went to Cherokee and saw an outdoor drama about the Trail of Tears. It was very good, although a little long. The night in the hotel was amazing (which sounds crazy b/c who enjoys staying in hotels?) Well, apparently me. The bed was so comfortable and soft; much bigger than my bed here at school. And there was air conditioning. *sigh* So it was nice and relaxing. I roomed with two of my students, Sally and Amanda. They are such sweethearts!
I slept a lot while we were on the bus....like all the way there and most of the way back. How I love my Dramamine. It's true love!
One of the boy students had to pack all his things up and leave when we arrived back at school today, unfortunately. Andy took it upon himself to dip skoal on the bus ride home, although he knew that if he was caught with tobacco of any kind that he would be kicked out of the program for the summer. It's sad. At least there was only one guy kicked out...unlike last summer where there were six.
I think I've rolled my eyes at Jeremy Weaver (one of the Tutor Counselors) one too many times over the past few days. Our personalities do not click. All the girl students have crushes on him and Jay. It makes me rather naseous. *gag* Girls will be girls, I suppose.
Two of the bridge girls got caught lying about where they went on Wednesday night. The bridge is allowed to check out as long as we know where they are going and as long as they are back by 10:00 p.m. Amber and Jessica said that they were going to see a movie and they really went to The Fizz, which is a club in Norton. Shelby found out somehow (sometimes I think she has super psychic abilities) and jumped Hope's ass. Hope is saying that she didn't know, but I think she did. I know she did. She told me about it that night. Oh well.
See? All I have to talk about is UB stuff! How sad.
I get to stay with Doug tonight!!!! I'm excited. He's at work right now. I can't wait!
~exoh~
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Bitching [10 Jun 2004|12:09am]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | The Cosby Show ]
Tonight I am frustrated. Hope is just trying to scare me, I think. She knows how paranoid I am living here and then she tells me all these stories just to get my skin crawling. It makes me so mad! I think she's just trying to get to me. I really wish I had said something now that its too late. I dont need this added stress. I can barely sleep the way it is.
Jacquie and Jay are at the hospital with Rachel. (she fell out of the van yesterday and hurt her back and tail bone) Rachel was terrified that her mom would kill her. It's really sad. I hope that she's okay and that she doesn't really catch it from her mom. I wish I knew if her mother was really abusive.
I've just not been in a good mood today. A little emotional, a little depressed, a little moody.
I'm tired.
Tomorrow we leave for Cherokee...I hope I can sleep the entire way.
I have no life. Upward Bound is my life.
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[09 Jun 2004|04:35pm]
[ mood | drained ]
Zero self time can really take a tole on a person.
I think the kids are hurting themselves to have my full attention. Is that crazy?
Tonight is Movie Night...maybe I can nap.
I hate the tension among some of the TC's.
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fighting sleep [09 Jun 2004|01:18am]
[ mood | sleepy ]
I can't shut my brain off. I'm going to miss Doug so much tomorrow. We only get to see each other from like 8 a.m. until around 9 a.m. *boo* Jobs suck. They dominate your life. Remind me of this next summer when I question whether I'm going to do Upward Bound again or not. I can't do this again....not without Jacquie.
Speaking of Jacquie...she's saving me this summer. She's become like my best friend here. Possibly my best friend in the world second to Doug. I swear we share the same brain...we finish each other's sentences, wear the same clothes, think the same thoughts, ...and definitely share a brain. It's crazy/fun. There is so much tension between us and Keisha. The drama was originally and solely between the two of them...I get involved just by existing apparently.
I've meant to keep in better touch with my friends this summer. I haven't called anyone.
I am so sore from all the extra activity from the past few days. My arms feel like they weigh a thousand pounds.
I miss my Dougie. Yes, I know you're sick of hearing that. lol. ;)
*welcoming dreams*
exoh
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| fighting sleep |
| 06.08.04 (9:27 pm) [edit] |
.exhaustion.
I've never been so tired. Doug got a job at Payless and started today. My poor baby has to join the working class....*sigh*. It's sad that we'll have to see less of each other, but it's good that he'll have money. I hope he likes his new job. I miss him like air.
Today was crazy. Three days and 28 injuries and medications listed in my records already. It's exhausting and time consuming. The girls are great, though. Everyone is so far.
I can't write. I can't think. Must sleep.
I can't shut my brain off. I'm going to miss Doug so much tomorrow. We only get to see each other from like 8 a.m. until around 9 a.m. *boo* Jobs suck. They dominate your life. Remind me of this next summer when I question whether I'm going to do Upward Bound again or not. I can't do this again....not without Jacquie.
Speaking of Jacquie...she's saving me this summer. She's become like my best friend here. Possibly my best friend in the world second to Doug. I swear we share the same brain...we finish each other's sentences, wear the same clothes, think the same thoughts, ...and definitely share a brain. It's crazy/fun. There is so much tension between us and Keisha. The drama was originally and solely between the two of them...I get involved just by existing apparently.
I've meant to keep in better touch with my friends this summer. I haven't called anyone.
I am so sore from all the extra activity from the past few days. My arms feel like they weigh a thousand pounds.
I miss my Dougie. Yes, I know you're sick of hearing that. lol. ;)
*welcoming dreams*
exoh
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| Playing catch up... |
| 06.03.04 (1:14 pm) [edit] |
May 15, 2004
Okay, so I am at home and I'm not dying. Maybe it's the fact that I know I am going back to school on Monday. I hate the way I feel so out of place here. A fish out of water. An earthworm in a puddle. It is frightening...unnerving. It's not so bad though. I'm getting past the harshness of transition. Transition is a double edged sword. I always feel it in the bottom of my stomach. A slow pain.
Today I worked at Food City and I gave my notice. It was almost emotional. That's hard to let go of. Yet again...transition...
Yesterday was fun. Doug and I went fishing with my dad. I almost threw up watching those helpless little worms die. Usually it doesn't bother. Tonight I'm definitely feeling the pain of standing at work all freaking day. I daydream of a warm bath.
I'm slowly finding places to put the things I brought home yesterday. It is official. I have too much crap. I am a pack rat. I wish I could sell it all.
5/15/04
I stumble upon you
bumping into an old friend
you were stored away in a safe place
a place forgotten and hidden
lost among hecticness
neglected and overtaken by vines
you open your arms and heart
embracing me like before,
reminding me of the things I love
showing me the life I still have
the one covered in dust and webs
you are the electric side of me
the part that sings life in the air
I cling to you possessively
swearing to never leave you again
5/16/04
it's raining, it's pouring...
I love the anticipation of a
thunderstorm
5/16/04
my house breeds anxiety. Even when it is relatively drama-free, the anxiety is thick enough to cut in the air. Maybe it is a learned feeling I associate with being here. This is what I highly suspect. I try to figure out when the anxiety really began, but it is hard to pinpoint.
Maybe it began when I was little and my parents fought constantly? Or when they threatened to leave and make me choose whether I stayed or went? Or when I was in high school and my dad suffered from depression; in the process making life for me and mom a living hell? Or when I was a teenager and wanted to do normal things with my friends, but I was never allowed to? Maybe it began when I fully began to realize just how sheltered and over protected I really was? Maybe it was when I first started dating Leejay and my parents controlled every aspect of our relationship? *sigh*
All I know is that I hate the tension. I hope tomorrow goes well for my Dad. I know he's scared. We all are. Hopefully it's not cancer.
"What would have been the effect upon religion if it had come to us through the minds of women?" --Charlotte Perkins Gilman
"For each of us as women, there is a dark place within where hidden and growing our true spirit rises." --Audre Lorde
5/17/04
soft finger tips dance along my spine
tracing promises
soothing my soul
soft lips place satin kisses
down my cheek
tickling forgotten senses
5/23/04
I'm going to miss my house like an old friend. It is a chapter in my life, and it is hard to think about starting a new one. So many good times there--meeting new friends, meeting and falling in love with Doug, getting to know myself better. *sigh*
Nothing reminds me of summer more than the coconutty smell of sunscreen. I love it.
5/26/04
three years old
frightening lightening
cover my eyes and tell me its bad
put me in the bed with you
now i can be safe
five years old
afraid of the dark
teach me to fear God and the world
tuck me in at night beside you
show me just how insignificant I am in this world
ten years old
striving to make perfect scores
needing to make you proud, needing your affection
crying when you tell me no
I need to be a good girl so you can love me
sixteen years old
i need my space but you push harder
i feel insecure and disappointment
walking on eggshells; keeping secrets
i still yearn for your approval to no avail
twenty-one years old
living on my own usually, still dependant upon you
afraid of change, decisions and life itself
memories haunt me and dominate me
you have molded me into an uncertain being
5/28/04
Driving home last night from Dollywood, the trees lining the road were bright with lightening bugs twinkeling and shining...
5/29/04
she jiggles as she walks
a mass of nerve endings on edge
buttons being pressed one by one
igniting a fire too hot to feel
she adjusts her self shamefully
aware of their stares
walking through the crowd that
brushes her physically and emotionally
she breathes heavily
desperately seeking shelter from
the harsh blows on her self esteem
tattered shards falling around her
seeking comfort from an old friend
she wanders into familiar territory
looking for love
another layer to gaurd her pain
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| June 1, 2004 |
| 06.03.04 (12:26 pm) [edit] |
Yesterday I moved back to Wise to begin Upward Bound training week. I love the way things are set up this year! Four tutor-counselors on one floor! I think that it will be a lot of fun for me, Jacquie, Tailinett and Keisha. Too bad Hope has to be on the first floor with the bridge kids. :( I think we have an awesome group of TC's this year. We are all getting along great and I think that it will stay that way for the next six weeks we are together.
I'm staying at Doug's this week even though I've already moved into McCraray. Next week the kids actually arrive and then I'll have to sleep here. It was so very nice to fall asleep in Doug's arms last night! We had the best time. *sigh* I have missed him terribly! I love him so much!
I'll have to update the rest of my summer later today. For now, it's off to TC training and breakfast....
exoh
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| I am still alive! |
| 05.24.04 (11:40 am) [edit] |
It is obvious that I have not updated in FOREVER! And for that I'm truly sad and sorry. :(
I am at home and working again...and we do not have the internet at the moment. So I'm anxiously awaiting June 1st, when I will be moving back to school to work at Upward Bound...then I assure you that there will be unlimited posting abilities. :)
I've written a lot in my real journal since the computer has been off limits. I'll put all that in later. I'm actually on a lunch break from work right now...yah! *excitement fills me*
...until June 1st....
miss me! ex oh!
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| i.am.crazy.officially. |
| 05.14.04 (8:49 am) [edit] |
I always get so psycho at the end of the semester.
I've been feeling so down the past couple of days...completely stressed out...*sigh* I don't know why this always happens. I hate moving out. This time it is especially hard because I'm leaving the house I've lived in for the past two years, I'm leaving what I consider to be "my life", I won't be living with any of my friends that I've been living with next year, I have so much going on at home with my dad possibly being sick, I'm completely exhausted because of exams and not sleeping enough....etc,etc,etc. I have so much to pack. That is hanging over my head like a rain cloud. I'm completely stressed out...I don't want to move home until June 1st. I wish I could just stay here.
I'm going to miss Doug. I'm looking forward to working Upward Bound this summer, but at the same time I dread it. It controls my life for six weeks basically. I still won't get to spend a lot of time with Doug, which saddens me. Right now I'm freaking out over everything. I have so much I want to get done this summer...my teaching portfolio, lesson plans, RA stuff, personal stuff. I hope I can make progress.
Melissa and Katie are in the process of moving into their new apartment in Norton. It's sad...I'm gonna miss them. I know things won't be so weird next year and that I will still get to see everyone, but it will be still be different. Me and different are not the best match.
I'm going to try to take as much stuff home tonight as I possibly can. Doug is going to come home with me and we are going fishing with my dad. Tomorrow I have to work from 10-7:30...that should be mind draining. Monday is my dad's doctor's appointment in Bristol...we'll probably be there all day. I have a huge exam to study for. I'm taking it on Tuesday. Wednesday I'm signed up to move out by 3 p.m. *sigh* It is frustrating because somehow my mother expects that I can take my exam on Tuesday after spending the weekend at home, pack EVERYTHING and move home Tuesday afternoon. God, she makes me angry. What am I, superwoman? I don't even have time to fucking breathe.
...I hate transition...
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| ...sleep evades me... |
| 05.10.04 (3:00 am) [edit] |
It is 5:45 am. I am wide awake.
The RA Retreat was awesome this weekend. I had the best time! I think I might learn to love most everyone, which is a relief. The best part is that one of the alternates is going to be my roommate next semester. Her name is Robin and she seems great. :) I think we might be a perfect match!
Justin came over tonight and helped with the presentation that's due tomorrow. At least that's done...
Positives and negatives:
+I got into the Teacher's Education Program! I passed my interview!
- I have a nasty cough.
+ I like my future roommate and think she's really cool.
- Exams start Wednesday.
- Spanish competancy test tomorrow.
- I have to move out next week.
+ Doug.
+ I made it over the wall at the RA Retreat!
- I'm hungry.
- I have a semester's worth of Spanish Online Workbook to catch up on.
- Creative drought.
+/- I think I'm finally giving my notice at FC next week.
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| ...a new comer... |
| 05.10.04 (2:28 am) [edit] |
I've been trying my hand at live journals for a while now. This site seemed interesting and creative, so here I am. :)
I shall be updating soon....
Here is the link to my Blurty:
http://www.blurty.com/users/curlydramaqueen " title="http://www.blurty.com/users/curlydramaqueen " target="_blank"http://www.blurty.com/users/c...
*exoh*
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